Come back TV writers!

We're really glad everyone's feeling better in the house, because we get to stay in the den and watch TV with the staff. But this writer's strike thing has really played like a bad raccoon with our shows. We have no complaints about the various Law&Order reruns -- we'd want to watch those anyway. But we miss "My Name is Earl" and "The Office." So for now, Maggie supports Staffer Mom's "Project Runway" addiction, and Bandit demands "Raw" and "American Gladiators."

Without question, the real tragedy of the season is "Crowned: the Mother of all Pageants." Staffer Mom calls it a "giant train wreck." We're not sure what that means, but we know it results in her watching shows through the finals and laughing a lot. We've both decided that it's just pathetic and awful. Mothers and daughters competing in a pageant as teams. We've seen real cat fights, and there's no way that goes well. At the end of every show, one team gets "desashed" and sent back to the trailer park. (We're joking about the trailer park part.... sort of.) Their pageant sashes are cut off by another team. One time, two contestants had to desash themselves in a humiliating turn of events.

TV writers: Save us now.

Is everybody sick?

From Bandit: I think I'm the only creature in the house without a cold or something. Staffer Mom's got some kind of crud, and Dad's just gotten over it. Ernie has a boo-boo on the side of his head from trying to crawl through another fence. Maggie's had an upset stomach and hasn't been eating. Staffer Dad took her to the doc on Saturday and they told him nothing was wrong and sent him home with 3 kinds of pills for her anyway.

I could've told him that nothing was really wrong: She's just stubborn. She figured if she got sick by eating once the other day, she'd resolved to just not eat again. I've seen her do that before -- when she was having puppies, she refused to push more than once because it hurt. The vet had to deliver them.

But I figured it out. I got her to eat. All I had to do was threaten to eat her food and she just started snarfing it up. Ha! She's such a greedy bitch! Not sure I could've helped her with the puppies though....

Travel should be on purpose

Careful readers of this blog will know that we like to travel. We're just darn good at it, and the staff likes to drive us. Of course, we like to ride in a limo and we don't think airplanes would be very much fun at all since you can't roll down the windows. All that said, we don't crawl into things that look like they may be going to go fly.
So it stands to reason that we wouldn't ever get caught in a predicament like a cat from Florida who took an unexpected trip when he crawled into a suitcase.

Here's the thing. Cats are generally stupid. Ernie's not, but we don't think even he's immune to doing something like this. Bottom line: Trust your canine instincts. Don't crawl in luggage. If it's sitting out, it's probably going somewhere, and that's all you need to know.

However, it's absolutely fine to mark it so your staff can find it easily and avoid those airport bag mix-ups.

Cold feet are bad; inside is good

From Bandit: Yesterday it rained a lot, and we thought it was bad because we had wet feet every time we went out. I could get through it since the ground was really soft. Today, it was cold. And now when we go out our feet get chilly.
Maggie has a "Rock Star Princess" t-shirt she can wear, and she's decided she wants booties. I don't need booties, but I've decided it's just too cold to dig. It's a good thing the staffers decided we could stay in all day, and now they're letting us watch TV with them. We're all about the lazy weekend, and if cold weather means we get more time with the staff, then it's just fine with us.
From Maggie: Where's my t-shirt?

A guide for our kind

Here in Savannah, everyone knows a reference to "The Book" doesn't mean the Bible. It means "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil." But we beg to differ.

Aunt Jenn and Uncle Brad gave us a tome for Christmas that has become our sacred text: "The Dangerous Book for Dogs" by Rex and Sparky. It addresses all of life's most important topics like why some smells are better than others, types of squirrels, how to drink out of the toilet properly, best dog books, how to defend your territory and how to build a bed out of your owner's laundry. TDBD's an endless amount of information. Bandit says he knew a lot of it, but it's great to have it all in one place for reference. He suspects that the new breeds of yappy dogs who ride in purses will need this info, since they don't appear to have proper genetic imprinting.

We're attaching the Amazon link to it, as well as video about it (There's a bunch on YouTube.). It's really a call to action to throw off your domesticity (something the stupid monkeys in the Planet of the Apes movies thought was important, but that's another blog). There are two other videos about this on the Amazon page, including an interview with Rex and Sparky. All are must-see events.

We urge you to buy this book. If you don't need the info, your human might be able to get more insight into why you do what you do. And don't worry about them stealing your secrets. They just aren't that savvy. After all, they eat lettuce.

Rainy Night in Georgia

it's a yucky, cold, rainy night, but Staffer Dad has let us come in and watch the Carolina basketball game. The rain is good news, bad news. The good news is that we can stay inside, and when the rain stops, the ground will be good and soft for digging, which is what we do best. The bad news is that it'll wash away all the deer poo, so we won't have any sweet-smelling stuff to roll in. Our disappointment, however, is made easier to deal with because Staffer Dad has done a much better job of late in making sure our needs are met. We're glad he's seen the light. We're ready, though, for Staffer Mom to come home.

Wow, What a Find!!!!

From Bandit: Boy, what a great night this was!!! When Staffer Dad let us out, I went behind George's house and found the best snackie treat ever - a great big bird!!!! He was just lying there. I think Ernie must have been playing with him and left him behind for me. He (the bird, not Ernie) was tasty. I brought the bird back to the yard, but when Staff Dad saw it, he called me by my first and last names, so I knew I was in trouble. But I didn't care because it was really good. Staffer Dad said he didn't like the crunching noise it made when I bit its head, and he tried to take it away from me. But wouldn't let him have it. It's now buried in a really safe place. Boy what a great night this was.

From Maggie: Birds are gross and Bandit's a pig.

Morning adventure

From Hattie, er Maggie: This morning was really fun! Yesterday was good -- our Tarheels beat up on the Wolfpack like they are supposed to, and we got to watch a lot of it. But today I got to run a bit. Bandit was hungry and wanted to sit on the porch, but i decided to go walk the neighborhood. Why not? It's a quiet Sunday.
So anyway, I went to the back yard and then I went over to the back-door neighbors and then Staffer Dad called. I heard him, but I really didn't think I needed to come back just yet. I headed for the next neighbor's yard, and then I checked out some squirrel smell over by some bushes. And then I found some raccoon scent and some other stuff I'm really not sure about.
Anyway, I look around and there's Staffer Dad, and he's not happy. I guess I just went too far. So I had to go in. Oh well -- I may be in trouble, but it sure was fun.

Clean blankies!

Finally. Staffer Mom has returned from her week away, and already things are better. She says she's leaving again tomorrow for another week, but we'll take what we can. Already today, our blankies have been washed and smell better. We've been outside to play twice, and she's promised that we can come in and watch the Tarheels play NC State this afternoon. Bandit also is angling for a back massage, but he really shouldn't push it.

More staff issues

We're sorry for taking so long to post, but we have had more issues with the Staff. Staffer Mom is still out of town and we're beginning to think Staffer Dad is out to lunch. He did finally get us some snackie treats, but the new ones simply are not as good as the ones he usually buys. This is disturbing. We would have thought he would be more attuned to what we need and want. He is finally starting to feed us on time, but he isn't providing us with the attention we require. We're spending too little time in the house and too much time on the porch. And what's with these old TV shows he's watching? It's a bunch of guys sitting around a bar; every once in a while, some fat guy walks in and everyone yells "Norm." We need a Law and Order. And we need Staffer Mom back to bring order to this chaos. Staffer Dad says she'll be back this weekend. We hope so.

Staffers turn slackers

Staffer Dad's on our poop list and Staffer Mom's working her way to it. Dad left our box of snackie treats at the beach last weekend, and we haven't had one in a few days. Staffer Mom's packing a suitcase and she says she'll be gone for a couple weeks for work. This behavior is really unacceptable. If Dad's going to be here with us, he's got to be a bit more responsible about our snackies. And when Mom's gone, our schedule just goes to poo. Dad feeds us late, keeps us up late and tries to take us walking for miles on end.

And on top of that, we hope the blog won't suffer. Staffer Mom is a faster typist than Dad. When she's home, she's always willing to help us out. Dad watches basketball while he he's transcribing our notes and gets things messed up. It takes a lot longer to say what we need to say and he tends to get sucked in to ESPN rather easily. So we should warn you now: It's going to be a weird couple of weeks. Who knows how grumpy we're going to be?

ACC basketball is back!

It's a very serious time: College football madness is nearly over and college basketball conference season begins in earnest. This is important, and we know this because even Ernie gets involved.
Now right now, the Tarheels are undefeated. We don't expect that to continue all year, and they shouldn't lose to Dook. But we know they are Fierce and will be throughout the season.
What's also important: Staffer Mom stays happy. When the 'Heels are winning, service is good for us. And as everyone knows, when mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Ask Staffer Dad.

We see, monkey do

Wow. What a holiday! We went to the beach. We rode lots of miles. We walked a lot in the sand and got a lot of sandspurs in our paws. (Luckily, we're really good at pulling them out on our own.)
We saw our aunts and uncles and made new friends. But with all that, we got a bit irritated. It seems that all the humans had a new friend, too. They adopted an inflatable monkey and took it everywhere we should have gone. They said since some folks couldn't be there, they'd take the monkey everywhere and send pictures to those who missed out. So wait a minute: They have 2 perfectly fine dachshunds and decide to take the monkey all over town? What is the deal?
If they hadn't kept it up on top of the refrigerator, that monkey would have a few puncture wounds as souvenirs.