We've been slacking

No, we haven't been in timeout -- and we're pretty sure that's what you thought. We've just been slackers. We've just been having a pretty good time, and we took a break. But we're back.

We'll try to catch you up with our latest adventures:
- Right before Christmas, we woke up one morning and heard all sorts of strange sounds outside...it sounded like the chainsaw and giant suck machine (vacuum cleaner?) all at one time, so that couldn't be good. When we finally got to go outside and check out the noise, we found our favorite big pine trees were missing from the backyard. Bandit was particularly upset to find all the excavation work he'd done around the tree near the weird bush was all gone. Now there was a big hole full of wood chips. We're not really sure what caused this, but we figure there will be lots of termites and grubs in that part of the yard when summer comes. That can't be bad.

- Christmas was fun. Grandma came and slipped us food under the table a couple of times. Staffer Mom took some time off and when she does that, she tends to cook a lot. This time, she cooked so much, she dropped food on the floor a lot, so that worked out well. She can stay home more often.

- The staff got a Wii. And frankly, we think those things are hazardous. First of all, they always move the furniture to play with it, and when Staffer Mom is Wii boxing she gets pretty violent. Last night, she nearly stepped on Maggie twice. When Staffer Dad's playing Wii bowling, he won't let us in the den at all. This was quite unexpected for us and remains an annoying situation.

- Then, we spent New Year's at the beach. It was cold there, but the staff lets us sit on the couch at the beach house and that made up for a lot. Unlike last year, they didn't make us watch all five "Planet of the Apes" movies. Instead, they took the stupid Wii to play with. Now we're worried they'll take away our Wimbledon and U.S. Open vacations to play with that stupid toy.

So that puts us about even...except for our new nighttime yard game. We'll tell you about that later.

Ugh. Another old movie weekend

Remember when we told you the staff made us watch all 5 Planet of the Apes movies? Well, they are at it again. This weekend, between inane Olympic sports (badminton, handball?), they left us with John Hughes movies "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" and "Sixteen Candles."
- "Bueller? Bueller?" We loved that part. It's like when the staffers stand in the yard and call us and we don't want to come.
The limo was cool, and we'd like to have ridden in it. Alas, it's junk now.
- We applaud the canine actor hired to chase Rooney. Lots of good teeth-baring and foaming at the mouth. We thought it was effective.
- As for "Sixteen Candles," there were some nice details, but at least one part left us doubting the validity of the entire plot line. We're pretty sure Molly Ringwald wouldn't have worn red-and-white polka dot underwear. That really didn't add up for us at all. And we're really sure she wouldn't have given it to a geek. Nice touch, but just not believable. We've nosed through enough laundry baskets to know what types of undies fit various folks, and that just doesn't add up.
Bueller?

We earn our keep and we're scary, too

Lately, when we irritate the staff by asking questions like "When do WE get a vacation?" or "Why do we have to eat in the laundry room?", it's been suggested that we might should consider getting jobs. As ludicrous as that notion may be, we know we'd be successful at many careers.
For instance, a cemetery owner in Fremont, Nebraska, uses a dachshund to clean moles out of the cemetery. You can read about it here.

We think that's absolutely something we could do. Heck, we do it now and we should ask the staff to pay us for that!

Also, Foster's and Henry's mom sent us a story recently suggesting dachshunds should be used more in comic books as the scary, threatening beasts instead of gorillas or dinosaurs. It's true. There's no way we wouldn't win those matches. No way.

Here are some quotes from an essay she sent over:
- "While a ticked gorilla is still throwing leaves around and having an ostentatious hissy fit, the wily dachshund will have already tripped you, crushed your trachea, and, as you suffocate, be sitting on your chest chewing on your ribs while farting in your face. And wagging his tail."
- "How many gorillas do you know in real life interested in world domination? Zero. Again, gorillas pale as a threat when compared to dachshunds, all of which are bent on world domination. Charles Heston would've lasted about 3 seconds on the Planet of the Dachshunds...."

And we've been forced by the staff (and Uncle Brad and Aunt Jenn) to sit through all five Planet of the Apes movies in one day, so we know this is true. If we were in charge, ol' Charlton sure wouldn't be doing all those NRA commercials, and he'd never say this because we don't allow people to talk to us that way. He'd be a believer in dachshund justice and working for DRNA (Dachshund Rescue of North America).

So, the staff should pay us for our star potential, too. We'd compromise for getting to eat dinner in the kitchen...near the cat food bowl.
Especially if it's full.

A guide for our kind

Here in Savannah, everyone knows a reference to "The Book" doesn't mean the Bible. It means "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil." But we beg to differ.

Aunt Jenn and Uncle Brad gave us a tome for Christmas that has become our sacred text: "The Dangerous Book for Dogs" by Rex and Sparky. It addresses all of life's most important topics like why some smells are better than others, types of squirrels, how to drink out of the toilet properly, best dog books, how to defend your territory and how to build a bed out of your owner's laundry. TDBD's an endless amount of information. Bandit says he knew a lot of it, but it's great to have it all in one place for reference. He suspects that the new breeds of yappy dogs who ride in purses will need this info, since they don't appear to have proper genetic imprinting.

We're attaching the Amazon link to it, as well as video about it (There's a bunch on YouTube.). It's really a call to action to throw off your domesticity (something the stupid monkeys in the Planet of the Apes movies thought was important, but that's another blog). There are two other videos about this on the Amazon page, including an interview with Rex and Sparky. All are must-see events.

We urge you to buy this book. If you don't need the info, your human might be able to get more insight into why you do what you do. And don't worry about them stealing your secrets. They just aren't that savvy. After all, they eat lettuce.